Finding Light In The Darkness:

Light in the darkness is something I look for regularly now and I really don’t understand the reason why I get down so much. Also, I want to be on my own; the feeling of company is something I don’t want or feel will make me feel tightness with anxiety.

Let’s be honest, it’s not a good thing when your mind is not in tune with the right things, but it’s going in a direction you don’t want it to be in. I find it harder when I’m away on a swing, like the other week. I was feeling hopelessness, worthlessness, or a feeling of guilt, not sure, for whatever it was. Going into the room on my own, I was so content to be by myself.

I’m someone who loves to mingle, and I don’t have to drink or do drugs to do so, but I just like being with people. I find myself in social withdrawal and isolate myself from the group in the evening, grab my meal, and head off to my room with the happy feeling that it’s a good thing for me. During the day, I certainly don’t take it on the road. It’s not anyone else’s problem but mine, and one I work very hard on. Sometimes it’s deeper than other days.

With me, I put it down to loneliness as I’m on my own a lot. We do 11 days on, 3 off, so I spend a lot of time alone in the evenings. The other key thing for me being on my own for 25 years doesn’t help, I’d say. Lol. I was talking to one of my lady friends I have; we both live in two different worlds. As she explained, she loves her job with clients, and the money is really good, but with the expectation that she wouldn’t look or start a relationship, as she won’t give up her work for a few more years yet. And yes, she gets depressed at the feeling of having one partner to be there for everything we look for in a relationship.

We are all different and unique with the way we look at things with every challenge that’s thrown at us. I find I’m up and down, but more so as I get older. Haha, I know when I feel down, as I’ll watch a movie and depending on what the feeling in myself is, I can have a cry of sadness. It happens through the movie. Lol, glad I’m on my own when this occurs.

The biggest problem for me is that I have no one to chat with about it. There is only so much we can talk to our kids about in life, and they have their own situations in life to deal with. For me, I write down the positives and the negatives of life. Most of the time the positives outweigh the negatives, and I set goals even if they are of the smallest. I understand I’ll find the right formula or the right person that will be of great significance to help me move forward. Am I at the level I don’t want to be here anymore? No. And I can thank one of the greatest positives – the kids and grandkids. Just the thought, how wrong would that be for them in so many ways.

I’ve said it before, I’m not the best or a genius when it comes to life, so I weigh the experiences I’ve had in life to help me going forward. How did this happen and was I in this situation before? The answer is quite simple: Yes, and the medicine for me is every morning I wake up, I smile as it’s another day – up or down in the mind – with the thought that my situation with depression is pretty good compared to what some people go through in their lives around the world.

When we are happy, we enjoy the music but when we are sad, we understand the lyrics. 

#Journey Through Life

mags64@journeythroughlife.blog