Life is a funny thing. Most of my family, friends, and workmates look at me as a fun, happy guy, which I am in a lot of ways, if I say so myself. I like a good laugh, can tell a good yarn, and can chat about most things in life, except science, maths, and love.
I cannot talk about love, I mean real love. I can talk about my kids and grandkids, how much I love them, and how they are the world to me in my life. I enjoy being with them and being a huge part of their lives.
I’m a loner, a very lonely person. In my private life or when I’m away from friends and family or out of work, I go everywhere on my own. I go to movies, out for a meal, sports events, or to see a band. For some unknown reason that I can’t answer, I prefer to stay to myself when I go out.
In my life, what people don’t know, apart from the shrink, I’m lonely in so many ways. It’s like I have my own dark room, my own thoughts. Why am I like this? Do I lack confidence? Certainly not. Am I shy? No, haha, far from it. Am I a fucking dickhead, a loudmouth who embarrasses people or just one of those guys no one wants to associate with? No, it’s not like that at all.
Could I talk about true love? No, I need to be with a lady for that to happen. Lol, I really think about it a bit and ask myself the question, “Why are you on your own? Why are you a lonely old guy who never settles down or finds that lady of your life?” I have friends with benefits, but it’s not what I truly want in life. I don’t go out for fine dining or to the movies or a walk along the beach. It’s just a chat for a while, have some fun, and see you next time.
So yes, as I look in the mirror, you are a lonely guy and it does hurt and make me sad in some ways. I feel I’m a good person as I always seem to have so many friends, from sports programs I did, working in hotels, keeping a lot of friends through most things I have done in life. But it’s not the same to have someone to enjoy your special days, the bad, good, memorable days, or when you’re sick, feeling a bit down, just coming out of a major operation, or even to sit down and chat about your day at work or even life in general.
I do get dark days, especially when we are working away and I spend nights in my motel room by myself. It’s hard, and right at this second as I write this, I do feel down and lonely. But it’s been the major part of my life for the last 24 years, going into 25, and one I don’t mention to my friends, family, and coworkers. They all have their own problems in life, some bigger than mine. They believe I’m happy, and some even say I’d love your life.
I do not wish it upon anyone, and I know throughout the world there are thousands who have the same problem. Some have no family or friends. I’m lucky in that way. As I look around the room while I’m away, life is okay. Am I asking for too much? Do I want too much? No, definitely not. My biggest fear or dark thought is dying on my own, with no one there to hold my hand and say “I love you”. So yes, I do fear being on my own very much. I’d like to feel that one day it will turn around and make me a happy man, learning to love again in life.
#Journey Through Life
mags64@journeythroughlife.blog
Journey Through Life... 